At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???