I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
