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I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
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