is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
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Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
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It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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