He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love