so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand