How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
