By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
Me, myself and I
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm fucking your sister right now.