I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Dating After Heartbreak
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester