You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.