When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is not my ceiling
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
my mouth tastes like poor choices
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"