there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dating After Heartbreak
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Writing my paper on freud at bar
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.