Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
your thong is hanging out like whoa
HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.
so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
I cockslap morals
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."