I accidentally burped into my bong.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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