shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety