Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
