What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf