so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
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Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.