Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
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Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.