She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
That's an oxymoron.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.