sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?