he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Randomize
