No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
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she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
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just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
be there in ten.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night