I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
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GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
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Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god