I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
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woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
...is it true? will i see you next weekend
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?