you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.