all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers