Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
Dude. She just shit herself.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.