Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Send us your Text From Last Night!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Sex on roller skates
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
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