I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
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HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"