Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
I dont know to explain this.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld