i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Are my feet made of real feet?
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal