Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
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get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He told me they were just razor bumps!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...