are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I'm fucking your sister right now.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.