If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10