Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
All of them.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.