I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.