I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...