Where did you get a picture of my penis
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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