Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
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I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
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We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?