she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I think my fart just growled at me.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers