Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning