I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
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Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Dude, where are you?
... whose car?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
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Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
whose parrot is this?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"