are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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