September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
she peed on how many people?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.