i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.