Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
she told me i tasted like america
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.