are you still at the devil's house?
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He felt like a one man threesome
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
