Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10