"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
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I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
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Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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